Maybe Redemption Has Stories to Tell...

How do we get to that place where uncertainty meets happiness in spite of what we feel? How do we end up finding ourselves at that place where all we have ever known or wanted becomes the exact opposite of where we are or who we've become? How do you sit and watch every plan you had for your life just fall apart; crumble right in front of you with no way of changing it, and not feel like it's your own fault that you ended up here? That if you had done something differently, it would have turned out the way it was supposed to.

One day, we are going to realize that what happened in our lives was nothing short of a glory-filled redemption from the limited idea of happiness we have set for ourselves. It's something that we lose sight of in moments of weakness and vulnerability. Even the times when I look at those around me, I see that my contentment is based on them; based on the sinful, wanting, and broken people of the world that are garunteed to let me down at one point or another. Maybe it's because they change. Or maybe it's because I have. Maybe change is inevitable. Maybe it's necessary. Maybe we don't give ourselves enough credit as the reason we are so unhappy and empty inside. But maybe all the heartache and trouble we go through to find joy is actually worth it in the end. And maybe that pride we lay down so that we can begin to heal is still right where we left it, waiting for us to pick it back up. But maybe we don't need it anymore. Because maybe we can finally be ok with being imperfect, and finally get to the place where our uncertainties about everything in life meets happiness... because we are not doing it alone.

Get It Right This Time.

Do you ever feel like grace is just constantly raining on you? Even in the midst of my own selfishness and all the stupid mistakes I make every day, for some reason I'm still given something I don't deserve. It amazes me. I could never love like that on my own. When you've been given that kind of love and forgiveness, it makes living in a way that is contrary to it seem ridiculous. Yet I continue to do that very thing every single day. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of purposely choosing the wrong even when I know the right. I'm tired of making excuses and feeling sorry for myself because that only causes my actions to turn out worse.

Why is it so easy to do the wrong, but 10 times harder to do the right? It's a terrifying yet beautifully intricate web we become entangled in. The worst part is we do it to ourselves. And I've found that the thing that feeds this game (at least in my case) is fear. Fear of something not going the way we plan, fear of change or failure, or even fear of what others might think. Why does this matter so much that I'm willing to compromise what I believe in order to please myself or someone else only temporarily? You would think after all these years I would have figured that out. But sadly I still play the game. And I lose every time. Why? Because I'm depending on myself. And when left to myself I am nothing but a mess made up by counterfeit comments and lies I gave in to that got me further and farther off track. How many times am I going to run into the same wall until the scar on my head finally makes me realize that I'm only hurting myself? Unfortunately the answer is:as many times as it takes until I learn the right way. I hope the narrow road is close and in sight from here...

Whatever Will Be, Will Be.

     When it all comes down to it, I have to blame myself. Because I let you in the door before you ever even knocked. I decided to go ahead of myself and call us something we weren't because the curiosity was killing me, and I couldn't wait it out to see if you were the real deal or just a formatted copy that was easy on the eyes but hard on the heart.

     I'm beginning to see that it was time I can't get back and heart strings that can't be unpulled. And although it was never time wasted, it was lessons learned. I'm starting to see that it's going to be different. You were different once, too. So was I. Maybe that's where we went wrong. Maybe neither of us is who the other thought that first time we met. And I don't know if it was the curtain over my eyes or the anchor of guilt weighing down my feet, but something stopped me from running out. Why didn't I listen? Why didn't I see all the ways you never cared about me but always pretended to? You even fooled yourself. But where does it end? When do I stop being just another option to you? Why did it take me so long to stop WANTING to be your option?
     The way back home from that disaster was long' and paved with all your good intentions. So keep that score card of yours close to your heart, just so you don't overlook any of the scratches and marks you left along the way. Perhaps the next time you will consider the cost of what you're doing before you make that first move. But please believe me when I say that I'm not mad. Just finally starting to understand. I get now that just because things didn't go the way I planned doesn't mean it's wrong. In fact, it means that it had to end for the sake of us both, lest we destroy what will be for our good in the future.

What a World We Love

What a world we love to follow. One that tells us if we don't have money, we can't be happy. One that tells us if we don't let ourselves be controlled by someone or something in it, we will be considered worthless. A world that tells girls that if we're not a size 2 we aren't even worth looking at. Or if a guy isn't "masculine" enough, he's automatically less than a man. Yet it's a world that by all accounts proves to be something we still can't get enough of...even though it makes us miserable. The worst part is that we actually play into the materialism and self-deprecating nature of it all.
So where does that leave all the people who fall short of "perfection"? What happens to all the young guys who are afraid to be themselves because they don't want to be labeled as insignificant? What happens to all the young girls out there who starve themselves because they believe they will never be loved or considered beautiful unless they change their appearance? And why shouldn't they believe that? It's basically what is shoved down their throats from the time they can talk. Where is their happy life and perfect ending? And what about all of us who are so sinful we can't even remember our first lie? Where is our hope in this world gone awry? Where do we go on the scale of this increasingly fallen world? More importantly, is it going to be worth it in the end to have lived up to the standards of an ever-changing humanity?
Cling to Someone who by definition is hope. Jesus Christ willingly died for you, knowing it meant the Father turning His back and unleashing the worst pain on His very own Son. All for YOU. That means, in God's eyes, you are worth the truest form of love that has ever existed. In the end, nothing but that truth will remain. Eternity lasts a lot longer than temporary existence on earth, so don't be unsure at the end of the day where you are going to spend it. And take heart knowing that if you choose eternity with the Father, it will justify every bit of pain and longsuffering experienced here on earth.

Out With the Old, In With the New

I have been thinking alot lately about starting one of these blogs, and am kind of excited to see what happens. I hope to use this as a way to just relay my thoughts and tell about what's going on in my life for those who may want to know. So in advance, I thank those of you who check out this blog :) So much has been going on here in Illinois for me and I only hope it gets better from here. I am hoping that some new revelations I have come across will lead me to be a better version of myself for the kingdom. I am hoping that in spite of myself and my shortcomings, I can learn through this journey. I am ready for a new beginning. I am ready to finally follow through on  my word consistenly, ready to be disciplined and to not make excuses for myself. I am ready to learn from my mistakes and ready to be slefless even in the midst of a superficial and selfish world. (Realizing of course that I cannot do it on my own.) I don't want to keep running into the same wall that I can't seem to get past, and ready to move on from things I should let go of. I'm beginning to see that life is going to be constantly changing and crazy, but at least my God is never-changing. I hope that I can be an example and light to the awesome and beautiful young individuals I work with and to my family who although I don't get to see, I think about every day. I am learning that you can't heal from past wounds by continuing to re-open them, and you can't expect to move on from something if you don't accept things for what they are. I hope this post will encourage someone out there to have hope in the middle of whatever mess they may be stuck in. Looking forward to more blogs!

Til next time,
Heather G.